Careful where you stand

After having had a terrific summer and simply getting used to the sun burning down my skin every single day for the past 3 months, I feel quite strange about the current weather: cold, cloudy and rainy.

It’s the typical beginning of autumn mood, where I can hardly remember what flip flops felt like on my feet, even though I wore them just 3 days ago. That mood is perfectly emphasized by Coldplay’s Careful where you stand.

*sigh*

In a way I feel a bit like on vacation. The city and the people are quite different when the weather is sunny and hot or cold and rainy: you from a energetic, busy “Jerusalem” to a bitchy, cool “London”.

My room – designed as a sort of cave with the futon being the deepest spot – is now my life boat, where I’m drifting in the sea, hoping I might
a) get rescued or b) land on a nice, little island with a couple of handsome inhabitants.

Hmm … Looks like I’m day dreaming!

What does it feel like?

This afternoon I had coffee with a friend and her girlfriend. They are so much in love, that both of them simply sparkle. I’ve never seen her like this before and I know her since at about 12 years!

In conversation they asked me what the feeling of love is like for me. I never asked myself that question before and I must admit that I find it extremely difficult to put it into some describing words.

They also explained to me, that they discovered, that the feeling of love is different for both of them. It makes sense!

I figured that you love every person differently no matter what kind of relationship you have, but – of course – the feeling every single human being calls love must be different as well. First because we are all different in our desires, hopes, and wishes, and also because everybody got told differently what love is (especially during the time we grow up) and made different experiences with people he/she loves.

I personally lost a person I loved to cancer. Therefore one of my greatest fears towards the people I love is, that they might die, which gives my definition of the feeling love a sort of desperate, clinging taste. Actually not in the sense of me wanting, that they protect me, it’s rather I want to protect them.

The current final conclusion is only a raised eyebrow and crinkles in my forehead 🙂 …

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Persephone

As the creator of the term rescue-me babe (see Definitions for a ‘sort of’ … definition) I need to add some extra shades to the term, which I recently discovered within myself:

even the thoughest tank girl can become a part time helpless (feeling) rescue-me babe, when she found people, she knows she can get rescued by, and – even more important – she allows to be rescued.

The good point is – of course – that the knowledge of these people gives a lot of strength, energy, and a deep bond.

The low point is – also of course – that you get used to that back-up quite fast, which creates a dependency.

Then again as Persephone said so nicely in Matrix Reloaded such a thing is not meant to last (replace such with whatever pops up your mind), and – as sad as it might sound at first – it’s exactly the way as it should be. I know I keep repeating myself, but I need to be reminded of that fact every once in a while …

Empty

My blog looks quite frustrated as well these days!

I just realized that even a blog has a sort of ‘between the lines’ communication. Greg once told me that he noticed that I blog more when I’m unhappy no matter what bugs me. Which would conclude that I must be quite happy right now according to my empty blog, i.e. a 4 day period of non blogging.

But – hey – I’m a woman! Our minds never stop thinking and even if there is no problem to solve right now, we females still find something to be bothered 🙂

Overall I’d say I’m suffering a little bit of a loss of energy. It takes quite a lot of energy to decrypt my emotional status or what influences the status, and putting that into words … Ghee!
Therefore the empty blog.

Retreat

What a frustrating experience!

I ended a couple of months struggles, because I was reduced to the fact that I’m a woman, and women can’t be ‘good’ programmers or competent enough in the computer science field.

At least that’s what it feels like looking back at the happenings. I might be a bit touchy on that particular spot, but I realized I don’t like to follow ‘sort of’ orders. Especially when I consider the goal stupid.

Whatever …